He's Gone

I relocated to Cebu 4 years back. That time it was the smartest (personal) option. This sounds cliché but I broke up with someone and he found someone new. Migrating to a place miles away from where it all started would have done the trick of forgetting him.

I was wrong. Fate has it that he knows when I’m back in Manila. He would call and text, and can sometimes be persistent that we go out. I initially refused not because I don’t want to, but because I’m afraid I’ll be back in the same abyss I was in when he left me. Strangely, it hurt even more that he’s not as convincing as I wanted him to be. I imagined him really going out of his way. After blurting out a couple of lame “nos”, there were no retention attempts, no rebuttals. I ended crying in the plane, pretending that I miss Manila more than ever and do not want to go back to Cebu. (How pathetic!)

Over time, I started meeting up with him. Probably because I got over the feeling and getting chummy again wasn’t such a big deal. I went through the usual stuff trysts are made of -- lying at home to get out, dumping friends’ night outs, coercing with trusted buddies to have the perfect alibi. Then it became a cycle, vacation after vacation. It was a hard habit to break – or so I thought.

I’m in Manila now, but he’s no longer around. He’s gone. He decided to move out of the country and seek greener pastures. Fulfill a lifelong dream with the “other” girl of his dreams.

Do I miss him? I just miss the talk marathon. Three hour phone conversation is a piece of cake for us. We can talk about anything. And at this point in my life, it’s such a challenge looking for a confidante, lover and enemy rolled into one.

Do I miss him? I’m a thrill seeker. I miss the thrill of meeting someone against all odds. Now, Manila vacation would just mean meeting up with friends and family. No more surprises, no more adrenaline rush.

Do I still love him? No. I just miss having someone in my life.