Q2 Love Resolutions

What is the height of stupidity? It’s doing the same things over and over again and still expecting different results. That’s what the boss quipped when he was frustrated with our performance. It struck a nerve but it’s the absolute truth. So, 2 years after, I was the one delivering these lines to my team in the hope of improving our metrics.

I was good applying this mantra at work that I totally forgot applying it to my personal life. See, I have this outrageous idea that finding love is destiny’s work, a magical twist of fate, you have no control over it. A friend once asked why my priority prayer to Him was to always find me a boyfriend. My answer was simple: Health, Money, Career -- these are things I can control and manipulate. Finding love, is a different story. If I like someone, it doesn’t automatically translate to him liking me back. It’s just the way it is.

I was so enveloped in this destiny theory that I’m not “proactively” doing something about my non-existent lovelife. (Now, I’m wondering why I’m still single, Hehe). On one hand, maybe I think highly of myself –- setting the bar too high (as if I'm a goddess, haha). Or, I’m so insecure about myself so I just stay where I'm comfortable at. At any rate, I’m just doing what I’ve been doing the past years – blocking off possible opportunities, satisfied staying within my limits. Waiting for cupid to finally do its trick on me.

So, to have a little action in the love department, these are my Q2 love resolutions. (Cosmo mag even agrees with me):

1. Social Networking: Reply to all people who showed interest in you. I initially find it so cheap answering back. But my friend married someone whom she met at Friendster, so maybe I’ll give it a shot.
2. Texting: Used to think this is for people who have nothing to do and have no direction in life. I had an intern who ended up with her textmate. So, it’s a go starting Q2. Can I be your textmate? Eeew (oops, change of heart)!!
3. Never say no: Say yes to all date requests even if you knew you’re in two different worlds. Opposites attract – that’s science. Let’s try the scientific route this time.
4. Engage in sports: I tried boxing, met someone, but he boxed me out of his life. This time I’ll try trekking (maybe someone will show me heaven) and scuba diving (maybe someone can fall so deep in love with me).
5. Go out. Done this before, never met someone significant. So try new strategies: Order blue drinks (I don’t have a fucking clue about the psychology behind this), flirt with the bartender, laugh (even if nothing’s funny at all), always do the catwalk from where you’re seated to the restroom so you get noticed. Hell, whatever happened to just enjoying your friends’ company?

I still have 3 more days to put all these into action. But let me procrastinate some more, since I have loads of TV series in my laptop waiting to be watched and 3 more books waiting to be read. Hey, my friend just got hitched and all she did was be by herself. Why can’t I do the same thing? (If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen)

What’s the height of stupidity again? Yes, I’m stupid, sarcastic and stubborn ….heck that’s why I’m still single!

I Know Him by Heart

My friend is pregnant. That has been her wish when she hit 30. When I finally got the chance to talk to her, she was so ecstatic it’s contagious. It was quite a surprise as she only got into a relationship last December. Now 4 months after, they’re a “family”. Whirlwind romance. Destiny. Serendipity. Yes, it still happens :)

It’s meant to be, so they say. She doesn’t have a social life – so she was beginning to think she’s going to grow old and alone. Work is her life. Then recession hit Japan, their company decided to lay-off employees, including her. It was supposed to be a sad and penniless Christmas. Fate intervened and she met Harry. And we all know how a fairytale ends ….

So I was heading home and a familiar song was playing over the radio. I smiled at myself as it was my song 5 years back. It was soulful, promising and rueful all at the same time. It’s for hopeless romantics. After hearing my friend’s news, I realized a part of me still is a hopeless romantic/lunatic. Just when I’m beginning to accept my “single blessedness status”, her story brings a flicker of hope. (or am I just hoping against hope?).

Check out the lyrics. I Know Him by Heart (Vonda Shepard)

There's a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone
I've kept hidden in my mind

Where my heart makes my decisions
'Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Am I living in an illusion?
Wanting something I can't see
If I compromise, I'd be living lies
Pretending love's not meant to be

'Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that he'll be waiting
So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Happy Ending

I was just done watching one of the episodes of Desperate Housewives. It was the episode when Edie and Susan were (un)fortunately stuck in the basement. Since they’ve got nothing but ample time, Edie mapped out Susan’s lovelife to prove a point -- she can’t be without a man. And true enough, she only stayed single for 41 days her entire life.

I know it’s just fiction, but wow! How can someone be that … lucky? I mean, I can’t help but relate it to my own sorry lovelife. I just turned 31 and hmm, lemme do some math … I only had one official relationship!!! (The song "It's Raining Men"? Definitely not intended for me!)

If it’s any consolation, I’m a late bloomer. I mean, I only got to appreciate men late college. During my early adult life, I acted dense when guys hit on me, turned down some date requests and brushed off some guys I like because my friends hated them. Now, I have signs of having a mid-life crisis -- I feel so unwanted and unattractive. No one seems to have even a slight interest in me. No one hits on me, no guy getting my phone number asking for a date, my friends think every guy is good enough because they can’t wait to get me hitched. Waaaah!

I have a friend who despises going to weddings and attending family gatherings. You know how it goes -- friends asking if you’re seeing someone, you say no one in particular and out goes all the old maid jokes. It was amusing when you’re just a third party listening to an earful of harsh comments. But when the joke is on you, it’s a different story. Now I can sincerely empathize with my friend. Was your name called out not just once, but more than 5 times during a wedding party, asking you to take part of the catch-the bride’s-bouquet- thing? What’s worse was the other “contestants” are still in their teeny-weeny-bopper years or are just fresh out of college. Worst part was, the bride was secretly manipulating the game just so you’ll get the most-prized, overrated, overpriced bouquet.. Arrgh!!!!

I’ve had a lot of alone time – that’s an understatement. Seriously, it’s beneficial as you’ll discover yourself and make you totally independent. I normally spend the weekends just pampering myself – getting my nails done, spa treatment, the works. I can basically do whatever I want. But when the wave of insecurity strikes, like this very moment, you can’t help but wallow in self-pity. I miss the wake-up calls your significant other gives you everyday. I miss the questions, “Have you eaten?”, “How was your day?”. I miss the nonsense text messages. I miss it when someone checks out on me, if I’m home after a gimmick blah blah blah. I miss the petty quarrels and the sweet kiss-and make-up after.

My friend once quipped “Being single is sexy” without a tinge of sarcasm. I can gamely say the line a couple years back without batting an eyelash. Now, I wish I could manage to say those 4 words without me barfing. Gimme a break! I’ve been single for 5 years and I guess it’s high time I have someone in my life who can magically make my life more bearable and enjoyable.

Edie and Susan aptly said it: “I could use a happy ending”.

P.S. I just checked my calendar, and I’m near my period. So it dawned on me that this sicko feeling is just part of PMS … again. That’s what you get when your eggcells are dwindling and there are no likely spermcells around.. Tick-tock, tick-tock….

Punch Drunk Drama

I was down in the dumps last weekend over a silly love life (if you want to call it that). Usually, when this happens, I go out on a gimmick with friends and for some weird reasons, I shoulder the expenses (when I’m blue). It was a let down though as all of them were off for work. I ended up just watching Blair and Serena with all their high drama and roller-coaster love lives.

Anyway, I can barely recall the last time I went out on a Saturday night. Lately, my days were spent just sleeping and enjoying the couch potato life – and honestly I enjoyed it. Last weekend though, it took a lot of concentration for me to remember the last time I had an all-nighter. Instead, there were flashes of memories of the nights I was reeking of alcohol and totally humiliating myself.

Looking back, it was downright hilarious, utterly embarrassing and truly unforgettable:

The very first time I was trashed was funny. I had shots of tequila, and since I was doing the wobbling gait, my girlfriends escorted me to my friend’s room. While they were being helpful, I was screaming “Don’t rape me, don’t rape me!” at the top of my lungs. They still keep on reminding me what happened after 15 fucking years!

And yes, who would forget about the black-out episodes? Ironic huh? As usual, my dear friend assisted me while I climb up the stairs to her bedroom. I think I collapsed 5 times before I entered the room and didn’t have a clue how I got there. She was bushed as she literally carried me but she was laughing her heart out at the same time. Good thing I was at her place otherwise I’d be date raped.

There was the despedida party of my friend and tequila – again -- was served as main course. It was mid-week but what the heck, she was about to leave us so why not enjoy the night? On our way to her condo, she has to stop the car every five minutes so I can puke. What’s worse was I have to go to work at 4am since I can’t afford to be absent that time. She literally dragged me out of her bed, got me to shower and drove me to the office. I was laughing like crazy to what my colleagues were saying, even if they were talking serious stuff. I was slurring while my direct reports were seeking approval for some reports. A friend realized I was off the wagon, so she asked me to sleep for about half an hour. Miraculously, I became sober after. Funny, because my friend’s departure was delayed for about 4 months, so we have to re-do the whole goodbye party.

Sadly, getting wasted cost me my one true great love. It was one helluva story – he made a mountain out of a molehill. The gist was, I drunk dialled him and said all the right words about how I miss him and shit. We said those mushy good nights new lovers use to say, and I – out of all the freaking things -- forgot to press the end call button. So sneaky that he was, he stayed on the line. He heard the talk I had with a guy friend (who by the way, is my good friend’s relative – so totally platonic!), a loooong (so he said) silence, then chuckling and giggling! And he thought something happened! Whaaaat? To set the record straight, I did not do anything with the guy. But he was all paranoid and totally hurt, apparently. Well, just last year I think, he married the girl she dumped for me “supposedly”. Talk about being hurt ….

I thought I was a goody-two-shoes until I met a random guy in Bora and had a couple of Pier 69 drinks. In all fairness, we clicked. We ended up making out at the hotel’s veranda while a friend was in the room totally unconscious because of the booze. Good thing his place was a good distance away from where we’ve stayed otherwise it would’ve been a one night stand. It ended when my friends were boisterously making their entrance to the hotel. I was initially in denial when my friends teasingly asked me what happened. But my sore red lips, my messed up hair and hickeys gave me away. Haha. Ending? I deleted our picture --- no evidence. It didn’t happen!

I thought I was a goody-two-shoes – part 2. I’d like to think I was date raped. How can I be drunk after just 2 bottles of beer? I have to sheepishly admit though that I really have a low tolerance for alcohol. I silently prayed I was drugged to purge me from this “sleazy” feeling. But the thing happened again, and again, and again. And before I knew it, I had a fubu. Not in my wildest dreams. I regret it up to this day, as I liked the guy and I feel so cheap. Oh well!

I can be the female Manny Pacquiao counterpart. My Site Director told me I slapped him really hard when the dizzy spells came in. So at the office, he jokingly says that I have to be within the radius of 5 kms away from him as he doesn’t want to be physically harassed again. I think I jabbed some of the head honchos of the company – even the client. Wow!

I can name many more alcohol experiences – my experiences with all the “guys”-- Jose Cuervo, Baileys, Johnnie Walker, you name it. But this blog is getting lengthier than I expected and I have to prepare for work. Till my next alcohol adventure.