Slut

Felt like a slut today. I’ve been trying to fill this hollow feeling with something that I already knew won't make my life more meaningful. I guess I never learned.

I used to be the prim and proper type until I was crestfallen by this thing called love. I was so goody goody he left me. Tried the other route and yet they took me for granted. I don’t know the middle ground. I don’t know when to say yes and when to say no. I can’t tell what’s too hot and what’s too cool. I don’t know when to be reserved and when to be aggressive. I’m old enough yet so stumped and powerless. I hate this mind/love game.

And I don’t know what is more pathetic. Giving in to someone you like even if you knew all along your feelings are unreciprocated. Or just doing it because you are so bored to death, just seeking for a cheap thrill. You used to be truly hurt when he immediately leaves after using you. Now, you shoo him away after the deed and feel totally indifferent about the whole thing.

I feel apathetic about what just happened. But how come I feel like I’m a tramp? I suppose my friend was right all along: At the end of the day, you’ll still feel empty and alone.

Tell me how to end this game … please.

Hating Saturdays

It’s the time of the month again when I get bored to death and wish things were slightly different from how my life is turning out to be. I’m working on a weekend (which I don’t mind at all), still got 3 more hours before I clock out and have absolutely got nothing critical to do. I should be in a good mood now -- but it’s these times I get melancholic and sentimental and it’s wracking my brains out.

I’ve been waiting in vain for a text/call from someone whom I think I like for 3 weeks now. It’s not rocket science to figure out that he’s so not into me (lemme take out the “so” word). What’s more frustrating is I kept on telling myself endless reasons justifying why for god’s sake he’s not giving me a nanosecond of his precious time.

I wish someone would just text me once in a while how I’ve been, how’s my work, have I eaten lunch etc. My mom religiously does that to me, but wtf, all moms do that! It won’t be long before I edit my contact list and replace “mom” with “boylet”. You know, feel good stuff, wahaha

I wish someone would take me out for lunch or dinner just because. This time, I’d like to play the lady part. I don’t have to foot the bill and my man would willingly shell out his money for me in a chic restaurant. I am a low-maintenance type of girl, but enough with all the fast-food take-out. My “men” claim they’re from affluent families and have no cash shortage. So gimme a break, stop being “thoughtful” by dropping by the house and just chat forever. Take me out and show me you’ve really got dineros to dispense.

I wish someone would pick me up at home or at the office. I’m tired of driving my own car. I want to feel the comforts of being just a passenger. I’d like to feel his hands holding mine while he’s taking the wheel. That’s plus pogi points!.

I wish to have a weekend getaway with someone special. I was just browsing my facebook and realized that I had a lot of out-of-town trip with friends. I got tons of pictures with friends, with friends, with friends. Can’t I have a Kodak moment with a guy I can call mine?

I wish I’ll spend more time in front of a mirror because I want to impress and look good to someone.

I wish at one point I’ll lose focus at work just because of a silly fight. I miss the stare blanks … LOL

I wish I’d go nuts in case I forgot my mobile at home or the batt is empty. Typically when these happen, I don’t effing care.

I wish someone would tell me to stop smoking and drinking because he cares.

I wish someone would go frantic in case I don’t feel ok ... be my on-duty doctor for the day

For now, or at least every Saturday, I just want to feel special …. (sigh)

Bummer

Day-off. I have no important things to do but to just lock myself in my room. Googled trivial stuffs, listened to music while browsing the net (which I normally don’t do as it messes my thoughts). Checked out my blog. Wow, it’s 2 months now since I put my feelings into words …

So for my own sake, in case I get nostalgic one of these days, here’s a rundown of goings-on in my life. I’ll go the pessimistic route as this blog is all about me being pathetic, sarcastic and cynical anyway. Haha..

Peeping Tom brouhaha – who would’ve guessed I’d be a victim? Caught him red-handed. Eeew and Arrghh! Eew because he’s so old to even do that – that’s teenager’s pastime, not men’s. Aargh, because I never thought I would get very offended. Worse part was when I was telling the landlords about it, they can’t understand a word I said. I still have to get my friend to talk to them over the phone. Key takeaways: 1). I’m still hot … in the eyes of an old loser J 2) learn Bisaya esp if you’re in Cebu for almost 5 years now.

Business cum Vacation Trip - my last two trips to US were all unplanned. I didn’t even have the time to call my friends and let them know I was there. Last month I knew better. I emailed all my facebook pals, mapped-out an itinerary from West coast to East Coast. I'd finally see Golden Gate Bridge in SanFo, watch a Broadway musical in New York, scope the Las Vegas strip and go to LA to dine and shop with friends. 3 days before the trip I got an email saying the trip is cancelled. Lesson learned – it pays not to expect anything. My heart was crushed.

Lost my Wallet – it was my life! Going to the bank is such a hassle. I’m driving without a license for 2 weeks now. I simply hate it -- I have to be the most law-abiding driver in Cebu.

My Albert – my housemates dragged me to a resort for a little R&R. On our way back to the city, Albert broke down. Forgot to put water, hehe. It happened not just once, but twice. Moral of the story: Get a boyfriend/mechanic who would be your knight in shining armor.

Shangri-La Mishaps – yes, I jet skied for the 1st time, got to dine at high-end restos, enjoyed the sun and perfect beach. But! I also collapsed and caused a commotion and I was the only one who got ugly rashes even if all of us swam in the same beach.

My sumkinda lovelife is officially non-existent …

And the clincher … I’m still not promoted even after working my ass off. Bummer!

Welcome to my life!

Books

I was in Manila a week ago for a much needed vacation. Aside from missing home cooked meals and bumming around, I realized I also missed reading.

A buddy told me she was lost for words in one of her power meetings. Her boss quipped she needed to start reading books again. And that she has to read books of different kinds. Somehow, it stuck on me.

Back in my youth, people were impressed with the way I crafted my essays. I was asked to be a contributor in our newsletter, friends requested me to do write-ups for our yearbook. Heck, I was even asked to pen my friend’s wedding vow. (Funny because the groom was teary-eyed after hearing it. He probably thought the bride did it all by herself! Hello?!! That was my “vow” to my one true great love, who by the way, gave his vow to someone else!)

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m having challenges flirting with words now. It was a walk in the park before as (I think) I have a wide vocabulary. Now drafting one can be such a pain in the ass. It’s high time I get to know other authors other than John Grisham and James Patterson and Sidney Sheldon. Goodbye bloody murder stories and say hello to more cerebral literature and lame self-help books. Hahaha.

I just bought Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. This was a bestseller years ago, colleagues highly recommended it but I ignored them all. Now this book got me hooked. Got to end my blogging now and hopefully I’ll finish it this weekend.

Gimik!

I haven’t been in the club scene for almost 7 months. During those months, my weekends just meant: 1) hibernation 2) DVD marathon 3) pig-out days 4) chillin’ at the mall. There were times when my friends and I would really plan a great Saturday night-out. But nothing ever materialized – we simply can’t ignore the call of sleep and the magnetic appeal of comfy beds. And we blame one another the Monday after for wasting a supposedly fun Sabado night.

This was the case until 4 weeks back. An Indian friend came into the picture and the past weekends were gimmick nights. We were like taken out of our shells, like we were in our early 20’s ready to rule the world. We were the restless yuppies again – dancing like crazy and drinking like there’s no tomorrow. It was hilariously a blast.

Since I am back in the bar scene (wow!), I got a glimpse of how “mature” adults misbehave in clubs. I’ve witnessed uncalled for situations that every decent individual shouldn’t be in while/after enjoying a party with friends:

• A girls’ night-out and everyone gets wasted (no one to watch over you)
• Drinking shots of tequila that were never yours in the first place (hey, they were just placed on our table, ok?)
• Having small talks with people you barely even knew (and when you’re sober, you’re a super snob)
• Pimping friends (and your friend is totally oblivious about it).
• Ordering blue drinks and blabbering to strangers with a blue mouth (haha!)
• Puking and making frequent bathroom visits
• Drunk dialing and drunk texting guys who are obviously so not into you.
• Physically hurting friends (slapping, punching) when you’re intoxicated.
• Sitting like screw-ups outside the bar, looking very catatonic because of the booze.
• Getting chummy with someone you avoided before because you’re tipsy (hugging and dancing with him even).
• Having hot steamy night (or dawn?) with an old flame to cap the Saturday night. (and regretting it the day after).
• Sleeping in the middle of the deed. (hey, you’re really that drunk huh?).
• Literally hugging the toilet bowl to vomit, having the worst headache of your life and swearing not to have even a drop of alcohol again, ever!
• Dancing with an “ex” to the tune of 80s music and literally getting hooked on you (hint: don’t get too close again. Better yet, don’t wear too many bangles).
• Forgetting to pay your bill (otherwise, the group who gets to occupy your table will be forced to pay for it).
• Stalking an old crush and finding ways to finally talk to him again.
• Making out at the bar (get a room!)
• Dancing in a bad, ugly crowd for the sake of a friend who’s having a great time with the new guy.
• Boyfriend spying on you – getting paranoid on what you’re up to these past few weeks.
• Carbo loading right after the gimmick (you’ll get fat eventually and goodbye to those clingy, daring tops).
• Believing a person you met at the bar is the kind of guy you’d bring home to mom. (Hello, dream on! You won’t meet a serious one in a bar).
  I’ve witnessed so many things these past weeks to last me a lifetime. I’ve had enough dealing with strangers for now. So it’s best I take a hiatus again and go back to the couch potato life. Next two weekends will be spent in Manila. Time to get connected again with family and friends.

Pretty and Dumb

A guy friend once told us that he wants a girl who’s pretty and dumb. Stunning enough to be considered a trophy girlfriend. Dumb enough so he can work his way out when tough situations call for it.

I just went out with someone recently and today I feel like I’m the pretty and dumb type. Not that I’m saying I’m a hot chick (I wish, right?). But somehow, he made me feel like one. He was all over me the night before – introduced me to friends, didn’t want me outta his sight and wanted me always by his side.

Probably he thought I’m a boring ass. I acted like a dummy as I don’t have anything interesting to share. Truth is, I didn’t feel like telling him stories about my life. The more he tells stories about himself, the more I feel we’re not a match. His humor didn’t humor me. His views were strikingly different than mine. He’s vainer than I am. God, I never heard a man talk about an outfit with so much gusto and enthusiasm.

Okay, okay, I hooked up with him several times because all along I thought he genuinely likes me. You know what men do when they have an eye for you. Why not give it a shot, right? Last night, I realized he doesn’t like me the way I wanted him to like me. He just basically wants to get into my pants. Roll in the hay. Sleep with me. Get laid.

Aaaargh! How could I not know it from the start? I guess I’m pretty and dumb after all.

2 Years

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me If you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me If you don't

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you do not feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Ain't no use in you trying It's no good for me baby without love
All my tears, all these years, everything I believed in
Baby Oh yeah Someone's gonna love me

Karma

What goes around comes around. Cause and Effect. The Golden Rule.

I was in a frenzy with the damage I caused 2 weeks ago when I scratched someone’s car. Okay, okay, I was more than contented, I was downplaying my emotions. Let’s just say I was overly euphoric. At the back of my mind though, I knew that someday she will get her revenge one way or the other. I didn’t realize that karma adapts to the fast paced world we all live in. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a car for a car … all in a matter of one week.

It was my day-off, woke up early and had my day perfectly planned. I was just a block away from my place when I started to hear Albert making some growling sounds. Again, I’m a total dumbass when it comes to automobiles so I didn’t have the slightest idea that I had car trouble until another driver called my attention.

The front tire was so flat that I can hear the rim making contact with the road (So, that’s the weird sound!). I wish I had paid attention to my father when he taught me how to change tires. I wish I had a boyfriend who will come to my rescue. I wish, I wish, but I had no one to turn to except myself. So I walked several blocks to get to the nearest gas station and get a mechanic. Instead of enjoying a cup of coffee at a cozy place, I was scorched by the sun, my sweat glands in active mode.

Long story short, I wasted 2 hours of my time. The mechanic said my car was sabotaged. Someone played a joke on me by putting a pebble somewhere on the tire that released all the air inside. How can someone be so cruel??? Then, I realized I was the one who started it all. Last week, I was the predator, now I was the prey.

Karma.

Bitch!

I’ve been driving for X number of years already. They say that once you’ve learned the skill, it’s going to be like second nature to you. I’m the exception to the rule. Up to this day, it takes me ten moves to park my car, esp if it’s parallel parking, if it involves a lot of reverse and if space is not ideal. Valet is heaven’s gift to people like me. I don’t even know why I was given a license. (Oh! I just remembered, a fixer helped me, hehe).

My driving skill was put to a test last week. I had to go to a bank to settle my finances and the parking space beside the building was full. So obviously I had to look for another one. On my way out, a black Honda blocked my way. Frustrated, I got out of the car and asked where the driver was. The guard/bystander told me the lady driver was in the other building, was already told that she parked illegally and yet she was hard headed enough to leave the car and proceeded with her business. This, by the way, was explained to me while 3 cars behind me were honking their horns. They probably thought I was the culprit. I just made a hand signal that we all have to go back as the road wasn’t passable.

The three drivers were able to maneuver their cars effortlessly. I, however, spent 5 stressful minutes just to get out of that claustrophobic parking lot. And that’s because of that witch who totally had no consideration of others. Biatch!

So, I was playing with my car keys on my way to the bank. Suddenly, I thought of something ingenious ... and cruel. But who cares, she provoked me! It was a sunny beautiful day until that whore ruined it. So, I coolly passed by her car, used my keys to scratch her oh-so-shiny-brand-new-wheels. Oooh, I loved the sound of the 2 metals coming in contact with each other. I gave myself a pat on the back for that cunning move.

Served her right. She’s a bitch … but I’m bithchier!

Why can’t I be his Juday?

I can’t believe I’m gonna blog about this …. but this one totally blew my mind. Judy Ann Santos and Ryan Agoncillo just got married.

I don’t follow their love story nor do I care about their personal lives. It’s just that my ex is a spitting image of Ryan. And Toby Maguire. And Harry Potter. (Laugh all you want). Definitely, it’s only me (and a few exes of him) who thinks that way.

It’s gospel truth that love can conjure tricks on someone. It creates a psychotic belief that your mate is The Adonis. Hell yeah, a frog can magically turn into a prince. The average guy can be the most coveted bachelor or even the sexiest man alive. This is the most rational explanation why this is happening to me right now. I’m frigging positive!

The more bizarre part is I think they have parallel lives. So if Ryan is having a fairy tale life, so is my ex. Since Ryan just got married, then I would conclude that he’ll also tie the knot soon. Can’t he damn wait for me to hook up with someone first?

To think I just blogged about him the previous day …. And he just pinged me a few days back ….How could he do this to me!!!! Why can’t I be his Juday???

Do I still love him? No. I 'm just being my psycho self.

He's Gone

I relocated to Cebu 4 years back. That time it was the smartest (personal) option. This sounds cliché but I broke up with someone and he found someone new. Migrating to a place miles away from where it all started would have done the trick of forgetting him.

I was wrong. Fate has it that he knows when I’m back in Manila. He would call and text, and can sometimes be persistent that we go out. I initially refused not because I don’t want to, but because I’m afraid I’ll be back in the same abyss I was in when he left me. Strangely, it hurt even more that he’s not as convincing as I wanted him to be. I imagined him really going out of his way. After blurting out a couple of lame “nos”, there were no retention attempts, no rebuttals. I ended crying in the plane, pretending that I miss Manila more than ever and do not want to go back to Cebu. (How pathetic!)

Over time, I started meeting up with him. Probably because I got over the feeling and getting chummy again wasn’t such a big deal. I went through the usual stuff trysts are made of -- lying at home to get out, dumping friends’ night outs, coercing with trusted buddies to have the perfect alibi. Then it became a cycle, vacation after vacation. It was a hard habit to break – or so I thought.

I’m in Manila now, but he’s no longer around. He’s gone. He decided to move out of the country and seek greener pastures. Fulfill a lifelong dream with the “other” girl of his dreams.

Do I miss him? I just miss the talk marathon. Three hour phone conversation is a piece of cake for us. We can talk about anything. And at this point in my life, it’s such a challenge looking for a confidante, lover and enemy rolled into one.

Do I miss him? I’m a thrill seeker. I miss the thrill of meeting someone against all odds. Now, Manila vacation would just mean meeting up with friends and family. No more surprises, no more adrenaline rush.

Do I still love him? No. I just miss having someone in my life.

Text Promo

I just visited Manila this weekend. I was supposed to go trekking at Pinatubo but hell broke loose somewhere out there, plus my adventure-mates were not as adventurous after all, so it was cancelled.

So instead of heading North, my family and I went shopping. I was the “tourist”, the “OFW” so I shouldered everything (which, surprisingly, was fine by me). I was swiping my card like crazy. And then on my way home, I realized there are some perks that go with using your plastic.

So I spent the next hour collecting all the receipts and was kinda happy that I get to have a couple of freebies after spending a fortune. Then my sister mentioned that I can actually join the Presyo sa Resibo contest via text. I just have to text the transaction details and I can win a cool million. My mom even interjected and said one of her former colleagues actually won 1M from the same promo.

I’m not really a fan of these games but I don’t know what got into me. My sis and I even googled the promo details for crying out loud. I texted my first entry using the first receipt I grabbed. After a few seconds, I got a reply about my ticket #s etc. And that the text cost me P155.00. What the …..???!!!!

As always, I missed reading the small print in the ad., and that’s the most important stuff esp when you’re dealing with charges. Although I texted only once, P100 receipt would mean P2.50. The receipt I texted was for P6200, and although I have 62 raffle ticket entries, it f**ing cost me P155.00! This is one of my idiotic moments --- again! I knew there’d be a catch. Oh well, that’s the last text EVER for that promo! I mean for ALL text promotions!

Truth (from a John Grisham Novel): In order for you to earn money, you have to shell out money.

Truth (from my Sister): Ate, get over it!

Albert

If there’s one thing consistent in my life for the past 3 years, I would say it’s Albert. No doubt it’s Albert, hands down it’s Albert. Albert, my Albert.

He’d seen me thru my best and worst times. He’d met my different personalities. He saw me during my most unattractive moments to my most glamorous days. He’d witnessed my laughing moments to my crying and trying times. I can be hard to deal with, eccentric in some aspects, have very low comprehension skills (read: slow) at some point, yet he is always there, with me, for me.

Despite all these, often I take him for granted. I had trouble being sensitive to his needs. A friend still has to let me know that he has problems, and a friend would still have to fill me in on what exactly his issues are (I’m that clueless). And while I’m “fixing” him, I nag about shelling out some dough for him.

Then last week, he just vanished! I was nursing a flu, didn’t have a lot of chance to be with him for 2 days, and before I knew it, he was gone. He just left a note, and that’s it! That’s when it hit me -- I so needed him. Now I realized he’s worth every penny.

So I was desperately calling friends and acquaintances, looking for ways to get in touch with him the fastest and easiest way possible. They were all supportive, but not exactly (know what I mean?). It was so hard winning him back. I have to go thru the “system” and talk to a lot of imbecile people. Took me three days to finally see him, caress him and be one with him – again.

Did I not mention Albert’s my car? He was towed last Friday, at 3:44 am, can you believe it??? How sneaky can they get? Sneaky and incompetent. One personnel told me that I can get it Sunday (confirmed it several times before hanging up). When I was at their office, he was trying to be thorough by religiously flipping thru their logbook and confirming that yes indeed, my car was there. And he nonchalantly told me I have to go back the following day as they were closed.

Patience is one of my virtues, but not at that moment. Hell yeah I threw a bitch fit! Threw some expletives here and there, asked where the heck did all my taxes go (I do not want my tax to be given to those morons!!!), smashed the door. Yeah, I made a scene and I made a spectacle of myself! And I don’t care ….

Sigh! All is well that ends well. At least I have my Albert back.

Q2 Love Resolutions

What is the height of stupidity? It’s doing the same things over and over again and still expecting different results. That’s what the boss quipped when he was frustrated with our performance. It struck a nerve but it’s the absolute truth. So, 2 years after, I was the one delivering these lines to my team in the hope of improving our metrics.

I was good applying this mantra at work that I totally forgot applying it to my personal life. See, I have this outrageous idea that finding love is destiny’s work, a magical twist of fate, you have no control over it. A friend once asked why my priority prayer to Him was to always find me a boyfriend. My answer was simple: Health, Money, Career -- these are things I can control and manipulate. Finding love, is a different story. If I like someone, it doesn’t automatically translate to him liking me back. It’s just the way it is.

I was so enveloped in this destiny theory that I’m not “proactively” doing something about my non-existent lovelife. (Now, I’m wondering why I’m still single, Hehe). On one hand, maybe I think highly of myself –- setting the bar too high (as if I'm a goddess, haha). Or, I’m so insecure about myself so I just stay where I'm comfortable at. At any rate, I’m just doing what I’ve been doing the past years – blocking off possible opportunities, satisfied staying within my limits. Waiting for cupid to finally do its trick on me.

So, to have a little action in the love department, these are my Q2 love resolutions. (Cosmo mag even agrees with me):

1. Social Networking: Reply to all people who showed interest in you. I initially find it so cheap answering back. But my friend married someone whom she met at Friendster, so maybe I’ll give it a shot.
2. Texting: Used to think this is for people who have nothing to do and have no direction in life. I had an intern who ended up with her textmate. So, it’s a go starting Q2. Can I be your textmate? Eeew (oops, change of heart)!!
3. Never say no: Say yes to all date requests even if you knew you’re in two different worlds. Opposites attract – that’s science. Let’s try the scientific route this time.
4. Engage in sports: I tried boxing, met someone, but he boxed me out of his life. This time I’ll try trekking (maybe someone will show me heaven) and scuba diving (maybe someone can fall so deep in love with me).
5. Go out. Done this before, never met someone significant. So try new strategies: Order blue drinks (I don’t have a fucking clue about the psychology behind this), flirt with the bartender, laugh (even if nothing’s funny at all), always do the catwalk from where you’re seated to the restroom so you get noticed. Hell, whatever happened to just enjoying your friends’ company?

I still have 3 more days to put all these into action. But let me procrastinate some more, since I have loads of TV series in my laptop waiting to be watched and 3 more books waiting to be read. Hey, my friend just got hitched and all she did was be by herself. Why can’t I do the same thing? (If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen)

What’s the height of stupidity again? Yes, I’m stupid, sarcastic and stubborn ….heck that’s why I’m still single!

I Know Him by Heart

My friend is pregnant. That has been her wish when she hit 30. When I finally got the chance to talk to her, she was so ecstatic it’s contagious. It was quite a surprise as she only got into a relationship last December. Now 4 months after, they’re a “family”. Whirlwind romance. Destiny. Serendipity. Yes, it still happens :)

It’s meant to be, so they say. She doesn’t have a social life – so she was beginning to think she’s going to grow old and alone. Work is her life. Then recession hit Japan, their company decided to lay-off employees, including her. It was supposed to be a sad and penniless Christmas. Fate intervened and she met Harry. And we all know how a fairytale ends ….

So I was heading home and a familiar song was playing over the radio. I smiled at myself as it was my song 5 years back. It was soulful, promising and rueful all at the same time. It’s for hopeless romantics. After hearing my friend’s news, I realized a part of me still is a hopeless romantic/lunatic. Just when I’m beginning to accept my “single blessedness status”, her story brings a flicker of hope. (or am I just hoping against hope?).

Check out the lyrics. I Know Him by Heart (Vonda Shepard)

There's a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone
I've kept hidden in my mind

Where my heart makes my decisions
'Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Am I living in an illusion?
Wanting something I can't see
If I compromise, I'd be living lies
Pretending love's not meant to be

'Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that he'll be waiting
So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart
No we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Happy Ending

I was just done watching one of the episodes of Desperate Housewives. It was the episode when Edie and Susan were (un)fortunately stuck in the basement. Since they’ve got nothing but ample time, Edie mapped out Susan’s lovelife to prove a point -- she can’t be without a man. And true enough, she only stayed single for 41 days her entire life.

I know it’s just fiction, but wow! How can someone be that … lucky? I mean, I can’t help but relate it to my own sorry lovelife. I just turned 31 and hmm, lemme do some math … I only had one official relationship!!! (The song "It's Raining Men"? Definitely not intended for me!)

If it’s any consolation, I’m a late bloomer. I mean, I only got to appreciate men late college. During my early adult life, I acted dense when guys hit on me, turned down some date requests and brushed off some guys I like because my friends hated them. Now, I have signs of having a mid-life crisis -- I feel so unwanted and unattractive. No one seems to have even a slight interest in me. No one hits on me, no guy getting my phone number asking for a date, my friends think every guy is good enough because they can’t wait to get me hitched. Waaaah!

I have a friend who despises going to weddings and attending family gatherings. You know how it goes -- friends asking if you’re seeing someone, you say no one in particular and out goes all the old maid jokes. It was amusing when you’re just a third party listening to an earful of harsh comments. But when the joke is on you, it’s a different story. Now I can sincerely empathize with my friend. Was your name called out not just once, but more than 5 times during a wedding party, asking you to take part of the catch-the bride’s-bouquet- thing? What’s worse was the other “contestants” are still in their teeny-weeny-bopper years or are just fresh out of college. Worst part was, the bride was secretly manipulating the game just so you’ll get the most-prized, overrated, overpriced bouquet.. Arrgh!!!!

I’ve had a lot of alone time – that’s an understatement. Seriously, it’s beneficial as you’ll discover yourself and make you totally independent. I normally spend the weekends just pampering myself – getting my nails done, spa treatment, the works. I can basically do whatever I want. But when the wave of insecurity strikes, like this very moment, you can’t help but wallow in self-pity. I miss the wake-up calls your significant other gives you everyday. I miss the questions, “Have you eaten?”, “How was your day?”. I miss the nonsense text messages. I miss it when someone checks out on me, if I’m home after a gimmick blah blah blah. I miss the petty quarrels and the sweet kiss-and make-up after.

My friend once quipped “Being single is sexy” without a tinge of sarcasm. I can gamely say the line a couple years back without batting an eyelash. Now, I wish I could manage to say those 4 words without me barfing. Gimme a break! I’ve been single for 5 years and I guess it’s high time I have someone in my life who can magically make my life more bearable and enjoyable.

Edie and Susan aptly said it: “I could use a happy ending”.

P.S. I just checked my calendar, and I’m near my period. So it dawned on me that this sicko feeling is just part of PMS … again. That’s what you get when your eggcells are dwindling and there are no likely spermcells around.. Tick-tock, tick-tock….

Punch Drunk Drama

I was down in the dumps last weekend over a silly love life (if you want to call it that). Usually, when this happens, I go out on a gimmick with friends and for some weird reasons, I shoulder the expenses (when I’m blue). It was a let down though as all of them were off for work. I ended up just watching Blair and Serena with all their high drama and roller-coaster love lives.

Anyway, I can barely recall the last time I went out on a Saturday night. Lately, my days were spent just sleeping and enjoying the couch potato life – and honestly I enjoyed it. Last weekend though, it took a lot of concentration for me to remember the last time I had an all-nighter. Instead, there were flashes of memories of the nights I was reeking of alcohol and totally humiliating myself.

Looking back, it was downright hilarious, utterly embarrassing and truly unforgettable:

The very first time I was trashed was funny. I had shots of tequila, and since I was doing the wobbling gait, my girlfriends escorted me to my friend’s room. While they were being helpful, I was screaming “Don’t rape me, don’t rape me!” at the top of my lungs. They still keep on reminding me what happened after 15 fucking years!

And yes, who would forget about the black-out episodes? Ironic huh? As usual, my dear friend assisted me while I climb up the stairs to her bedroom. I think I collapsed 5 times before I entered the room and didn’t have a clue how I got there. She was bushed as she literally carried me but she was laughing her heart out at the same time. Good thing I was at her place otherwise I’d be date raped.

There was the despedida party of my friend and tequila – again -- was served as main course. It was mid-week but what the heck, she was about to leave us so why not enjoy the night? On our way to her condo, she has to stop the car every five minutes so I can puke. What’s worse was I have to go to work at 4am since I can’t afford to be absent that time. She literally dragged me out of her bed, got me to shower and drove me to the office. I was laughing like crazy to what my colleagues were saying, even if they were talking serious stuff. I was slurring while my direct reports were seeking approval for some reports. A friend realized I was off the wagon, so she asked me to sleep for about half an hour. Miraculously, I became sober after. Funny, because my friend’s departure was delayed for about 4 months, so we have to re-do the whole goodbye party.

Sadly, getting wasted cost me my one true great love. It was one helluva story – he made a mountain out of a molehill. The gist was, I drunk dialled him and said all the right words about how I miss him and shit. We said those mushy good nights new lovers use to say, and I – out of all the freaking things -- forgot to press the end call button. So sneaky that he was, he stayed on the line. He heard the talk I had with a guy friend (who by the way, is my good friend’s relative – so totally platonic!), a loooong (so he said) silence, then chuckling and giggling! And he thought something happened! Whaaaat? To set the record straight, I did not do anything with the guy. But he was all paranoid and totally hurt, apparently. Well, just last year I think, he married the girl she dumped for me “supposedly”. Talk about being hurt ….

I thought I was a goody-two-shoes until I met a random guy in Bora and had a couple of Pier 69 drinks. In all fairness, we clicked. We ended up making out at the hotel’s veranda while a friend was in the room totally unconscious because of the booze. Good thing his place was a good distance away from where we’ve stayed otherwise it would’ve been a one night stand. It ended when my friends were boisterously making their entrance to the hotel. I was initially in denial when my friends teasingly asked me what happened. But my sore red lips, my messed up hair and hickeys gave me away. Haha. Ending? I deleted our picture --- no evidence. It didn’t happen!

I thought I was a goody-two-shoes – part 2. I’d like to think I was date raped. How can I be drunk after just 2 bottles of beer? I have to sheepishly admit though that I really have a low tolerance for alcohol. I silently prayed I was drugged to purge me from this “sleazy” feeling. But the thing happened again, and again, and again. And before I knew it, I had a fubu. Not in my wildest dreams. I regret it up to this day, as I liked the guy and I feel so cheap. Oh well!

I can be the female Manny Pacquiao counterpart. My Site Director told me I slapped him really hard when the dizzy spells came in. So at the office, he jokingly says that I have to be within the radius of 5 kms away from him as he doesn’t want to be physically harassed again. I think I jabbed some of the head honchos of the company – even the client. Wow!

I can name many more alcohol experiences – my experiences with all the “guys”-- Jose Cuervo, Baileys, Johnnie Walker, you name it. But this blog is getting lengthier than I expected and I have to prepare for work. Till my next alcohol adventure.

Rejected!

It’s been awhile since I had a good date. A date where you really enjoyed his company, one that you can really say you had fun. It was that interesting because today, even after almost two years, I still think where he probably is, what stuff is he doing right now, what keeps him damn busy. Damn busy that he can’t even bother texting me, or calling me …

I just had a chat with a friend recently, and a common friend informed her that this guy is still painting the town red. She said he doesn’t have the heartthrob looks, but when he sits down with a girl and starts a conversation with her, the girl will no doubt go ga-ga over him. What’s more annoying is, they’re not just ordinary girls, but oozing hot, sexy girls!

It's frustrating, but I agree – based on my experience. I had hesitations initially dating him. He looked plain and uninteresting that time. But I was in an alien town and all my friends flew back to Manila. My days-off were spent just dozing off. Opportunity presented itself -- just to have a spice in my life, why not date him? After a couple of dining here and there, I realized he was charming and has an absolute gift of gab. I was completely bowled over.

Fast forward --- I know he’s not that into me, and I know he will never be head-over-heels in love with me. Perhaps I know what went wrong. On hindsight, it was doomed from the start, I was just on denial thinking I’ll be an exception. I thought I was special. Dang, how can I be sooo stupid!

Right now, I feel rejected. Rejected by someone who’s not even worth it. How come he goes on with his usual life while here I am, whining and blogging about this shit? He can get a date effortlessly while I’m stuck in my room watching all the TV series that can be downloaded at PirateBay? Ain’t that pathetic?

Well, who says life is fair? Got to get out and have a life! And yes, I need a date please.

New Year's Resolutions - 2009

You can consider me as one of the folks who still comes up with New Year’s resolution. Towards the end of 2008, I really put some thought on kicking one or two bad habits come Jan 1st. You know, to start the year right yada, yada, yada…..


So, I had three resolutions: 1) Quit smoking 2) Do boxing again 3) Let go of emotional baggage (Read: Let go of guys who are not into you). And I followed the advice of the experts --- let your friends know your resolutions to support you and to challenge you. I know this year will be different and I plan to fulfill all of them.

2009 came. Jan 1st, I was so pissed off by my ex that I called my friend, who was also pissed off by his ex. We had a ranting and venting session at Starbucks and to really let out the anger, Marlboro lights was all willing to be part of our company. So there goes my #1.

It’s now February. I have no clue where my boxing gloves are. The wraps I bought 6 months ago are still in my car compartment – plastic wrapped. I have a thousand excuses when my friend invites me to the gym. I am 10 lbs heavier than last year and I still am not motivated to go boxing. So #2? Yeah, you guessed it!

New Year’s resolution #3 is kinda tricky. Let me just say, by default, I was not able to kick this habit. Why? Because they’re not popping into my life at the moment. Technically I never had the opportunity to let them go – because they let go of me first. Ouch! Haha. It’s quite hard dealing with guys who are not into you. Trust me! See my future blogs (note: plural) on this topic.

So, statisticians out there, count me in on the people-who-make-new-year-resolutions-but-don’t-get-to-fulfill-them list. Sad to say I’m part of this sorry number. What’s more pathetic is, I’m part of this sorry number year-after-year. Damn my friends who make me not forget my promises from last year.

In short, 2009 is no different than 2008. Same shit different year ….