Gratitude

So, I haven’t blogged in a while. And just browsing thru my previous entries, looks like I have a lot of angst last year. It’s funny … it appears that the whole point of these blogs is that I’m God’s gift to men, I’m the girl you’d like to bring home to Mom and that all the guys I dated just can’t get the message. Well, after one year (and I’m being inaccurate here … lol), I saw the light. It’s time I get out of these delusions and see the whole picture crystal clear.

Late last year, I was already in a surrender phase. Yes, I’ll be one of those women who’ll always be part of the singles crowd. Then someone handed me out this The Secret book, and I got all hyped up! I even got this mantra that I’ll be a dating machine, and I spread the word like crazy. Wahaha. Surprisingly, it worked, well kind of! It was a thrilling adventure and for some reason, it felt like you’re on E 24/7. Then, I stopped thinking about this conspiracy thing for some reason … and out goes my social life too …

I guess what I’m just trying to say is, the Law of Attraction is true. Once you make a decision, the universe will conspire to make it happen. So what went wrong? The universe got confused with what I desired. Lol. It’s me … I don’t know what I want short term and long term. I want to be the snob chick (my frustration, lol) men go gaga over. I want to be just a plain housewife and spend my husband’s earnings. I want a less stressful professional life. I don’t want to work anymore. I want a fitness club-spa-mall-home routine. I want to travel. I want someone with me. I want to have a kid and I don’t mind being a single mom.

I need to prioritize, I need focus.

If there’s one thing that the book taught me, it’s gratitude. I’ve enveloped myself into feelings of emptiness and disappointments. In retrospect, I have an edge against some people around me. I just wasn’t thankful enough. And if I’m going to enumerate all of them, I’ll be drafting a novel instead.

It’s time to be thankful and not be regretful.

What we think about and THANK about is what we bring about.

Slut

Felt like a slut today. I’ve been trying to fill this hollow feeling with something that I already knew won't make my life more meaningful. I guess I never learned.

I used to be the prim and proper type until I was crestfallen by this thing called love. I was so goody goody he left me. Tried the other route and yet they took me for granted. I don’t know the middle ground. I don’t know when to say yes and when to say no. I can’t tell what’s too hot and what’s too cool. I don’t know when to be reserved and when to be aggressive. I’m old enough yet so stumped and powerless. I hate this mind/love game.

And I don’t know what is more pathetic. Giving in to someone you like even if you knew all along your feelings are unreciprocated. Or just doing it because you are so bored to death, just seeking for a cheap thrill. You used to be truly hurt when he immediately leaves after using you. Now, you shoo him away after the deed and feel totally indifferent about the whole thing.

I feel apathetic about what just happened. But how come I feel like I’m a tramp? I suppose my friend was right all along: At the end of the day, you’ll still feel empty and alone.

Tell me how to end this game … please.

Hating Saturdays

It’s the time of the month again when I get bored to death and wish things were slightly different from how my life is turning out to be. I’m working on a weekend (which I don’t mind at all), still got 3 more hours before I clock out and have absolutely got nothing critical to do. I should be in a good mood now -- but it’s these times I get melancholic and sentimental and it’s wracking my brains out.

I’ve been waiting in vain for a text/call from someone whom I think I like for 3 weeks now. It’s not rocket science to figure out that he’s so not into me (lemme take out the “so” word). What’s more frustrating is I kept on telling myself endless reasons justifying why for god’s sake he’s not giving me a nanosecond of his precious time.

I wish someone would just text me once in a while how I’ve been, how’s my work, have I eaten lunch etc. My mom religiously does that to me, but wtf, all moms do that! It won’t be long before I edit my contact list and replace “mom” with “boylet”. You know, feel good stuff, wahaha

I wish someone would take me out for lunch or dinner just because. This time, I’d like to play the lady part. I don’t have to foot the bill and my man would willingly shell out his money for me in a chic restaurant. I am a low-maintenance type of girl, but enough with all the fast-food take-out. My “men” claim they’re from affluent families and have no cash shortage. So gimme a break, stop being “thoughtful” by dropping by the house and just chat forever. Take me out and show me you’ve really got dineros to dispense.

I wish someone would pick me up at home or at the office. I’m tired of driving my own car. I want to feel the comforts of being just a passenger. I’d like to feel his hands holding mine while he’s taking the wheel. That’s plus pogi points!.

I wish to have a weekend getaway with someone special. I was just browsing my facebook and realized that I had a lot of out-of-town trip with friends. I got tons of pictures with friends, with friends, with friends. Can’t I have a Kodak moment with a guy I can call mine?

I wish I’ll spend more time in front of a mirror because I want to impress and look good to someone.

I wish at one point I’ll lose focus at work just because of a silly fight. I miss the stare blanks … LOL

I wish I’d go nuts in case I forgot my mobile at home or the batt is empty. Typically when these happen, I don’t effing care.

I wish someone would tell me to stop smoking and drinking because he cares.

I wish someone would go frantic in case I don’t feel ok ... be my on-duty doctor for the day

For now, or at least every Saturday, I just want to feel special …. (sigh)

Bummer

Day-off. I have no important things to do but to just lock myself in my room. Googled trivial stuffs, listened to music while browsing the net (which I normally don’t do as it messes my thoughts). Checked out my blog. Wow, it’s 2 months now since I put my feelings into words …

So for my own sake, in case I get nostalgic one of these days, here’s a rundown of goings-on in my life. I’ll go the pessimistic route as this blog is all about me being pathetic, sarcastic and cynical anyway. Haha..

Peeping Tom brouhaha – who would’ve guessed I’d be a victim? Caught him red-handed. Eeew and Arrghh! Eew because he’s so old to even do that – that’s teenager’s pastime, not men’s. Aargh, because I never thought I would get very offended. Worse part was when I was telling the landlords about it, they can’t understand a word I said. I still have to get my friend to talk to them over the phone. Key takeaways: 1). I’m still hot … in the eyes of an old loser J 2) learn Bisaya esp if you’re in Cebu for almost 5 years now.

Business cum Vacation Trip - my last two trips to US were all unplanned. I didn’t even have the time to call my friends and let them know I was there. Last month I knew better. I emailed all my facebook pals, mapped-out an itinerary from West coast to East Coast. I'd finally see Golden Gate Bridge in SanFo, watch a Broadway musical in New York, scope the Las Vegas strip and go to LA to dine and shop with friends. 3 days before the trip I got an email saying the trip is cancelled. Lesson learned – it pays not to expect anything. My heart was crushed.

Lost my Wallet – it was my life! Going to the bank is such a hassle. I’m driving without a license for 2 weeks now. I simply hate it -- I have to be the most law-abiding driver in Cebu.

My Albert – my housemates dragged me to a resort for a little R&R. On our way back to the city, Albert broke down. Forgot to put water, hehe. It happened not just once, but twice. Moral of the story: Get a boyfriend/mechanic who would be your knight in shining armor.

Shangri-La Mishaps – yes, I jet skied for the 1st time, got to dine at high-end restos, enjoyed the sun and perfect beach. But! I also collapsed and caused a commotion and I was the only one who got ugly rashes even if all of us swam in the same beach.

My sumkinda lovelife is officially non-existent …

And the clincher … I’m still not promoted even after working my ass off. Bummer!

Welcome to my life!

Books

I was in Manila a week ago for a much needed vacation. Aside from missing home cooked meals and bumming around, I realized I also missed reading.

A buddy told me she was lost for words in one of her power meetings. Her boss quipped she needed to start reading books again. And that she has to read books of different kinds. Somehow, it stuck on me.

Back in my youth, people were impressed with the way I crafted my essays. I was asked to be a contributor in our newsletter, friends requested me to do write-ups for our yearbook. Heck, I was even asked to pen my friend’s wedding vow. (Funny because the groom was teary-eyed after hearing it. He probably thought the bride did it all by herself! Hello?!! That was my “vow” to my one true great love, who by the way, gave his vow to someone else!)

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m having challenges flirting with words now. It was a walk in the park before as (I think) I have a wide vocabulary. Now drafting one can be such a pain in the ass. It’s high time I get to know other authors other than John Grisham and James Patterson and Sidney Sheldon. Goodbye bloody murder stories and say hello to more cerebral literature and lame self-help books. Hahaha.

I just bought Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. This was a bestseller years ago, colleagues highly recommended it but I ignored them all. Now this book got me hooked. Got to end my blogging now and hopefully I’ll finish it this weekend.

Gimik!

I haven’t been in the club scene for almost 7 months. During those months, my weekends just meant: 1) hibernation 2) DVD marathon 3) pig-out days 4) chillin’ at the mall. There were times when my friends and I would really plan a great Saturday night-out. But nothing ever materialized – we simply can’t ignore the call of sleep and the magnetic appeal of comfy beds. And we blame one another the Monday after for wasting a supposedly fun Sabado night.

This was the case until 4 weeks back. An Indian friend came into the picture and the past weekends were gimmick nights. We were like taken out of our shells, like we were in our early 20’s ready to rule the world. We were the restless yuppies again – dancing like crazy and drinking like there’s no tomorrow. It was hilariously a blast.

Since I am back in the bar scene (wow!), I got a glimpse of how “mature” adults misbehave in clubs. I’ve witnessed uncalled for situations that every decent individual shouldn’t be in while/after enjoying a party with friends:

• A girls’ night-out and everyone gets wasted (no one to watch over you)
• Drinking shots of tequila that were never yours in the first place (hey, they were just placed on our table, ok?)
• Having small talks with people you barely even knew (and when you’re sober, you’re a super snob)
• Pimping friends (and your friend is totally oblivious about it).
• Ordering blue drinks and blabbering to strangers with a blue mouth (haha!)
• Puking and making frequent bathroom visits
• Drunk dialing and drunk texting guys who are obviously so not into you.
• Physically hurting friends (slapping, punching) when you’re intoxicated.
• Sitting like screw-ups outside the bar, looking very catatonic because of the booze.
• Getting chummy with someone you avoided before because you’re tipsy (hugging and dancing with him even).
• Having hot steamy night (or dawn?) with an old flame to cap the Saturday night. (and regretting it the day after).
• Sleeping in the middle of the deed. (hey, you’re really that drunk huh?).
• Literally hugging the toilet bowl to vomit, having the worst headache of your life and swearing not to have even a drop of alcohol again, ever!
• Dancing with an “ex” to the tune of 80s music and literally getting hooked on you (hint: don’t get too close again. Better yet, don’t wear too many bangles).
• Forgetting to pay your bill (otherwise, the group who gets to occupy your table will be forced to pay for it).
• Stalking an old crush and finding ways to finally talk to him again.
• Making out at the bar (get a room!)
• Dancing in a bad, ugly crowd for the sake of a friend who’s having a great time with the new guy.
• Boyfriend spying on you – getting paranoid on what you’re up to these past few weeks.
• Carbo loading right after the gimmick (you’ll get fat eventually and goodbye to those clingy, daring tops).
• Believing a person you met at the bar is the kind of guy you’d bring home to mom. (Hello, dream on! You won’t meet a serious one in a bar).
  I’ve witnessed so many things these past weeks to last me a lifetime. I’ve had enough dealing with strangers for now. So it’s best I take a hiatus again and go back to the couch potato life. Next two weekends will be spent in Manila. Time to get connected again with family and friends.

Pretty and Dumb

A guy friend once told us that he wants a girl who’s pretty and dumb. Stunning enough to be considered a trophy girlfriend. Dumb enough so he can work his way out when tough situations call for it.

I just went out with someone recently and today I feel like I’m the pretty and dumb type. Not that I’m saying I’m a hot chick (I wish, right?). But somehow, he made me feel like one. He was all over me the night before – introduced me to friends, didn’t want me outta his sight and wanted me always by his side.

Probably he thought I’m a boring ass. I acted like a dummy as I don’t have anything interesting to share. Truth is, I didn’t feel like telling him stories about my life. The more he tells stories about himself, the more I feel we’re not a match. His humor didn’t humor me. His views were strikingly different than mine. He’s vainer than I am. God, I never heard a man talk about an outfit with so much gusto and enthusiasm.

Okay, okay, I hooked up with him several times because all along I thought he genuinely likes me. You know what men do when they have an eye for you. Why not give it a shot, right? Last night, I realized he doesn’t like me the way I wanted him to like me. He just basically wants to get into my pants. Roll in the hay. Sleep with me. Get laid.

Aaaargh! How could I not know it from the start? I guess I’m pretty and dumb after all.